Zach Townsend


Zach prides himself on being more "next-gen" than "old-school". As such, he has started a new venture that creates apps for 4G mobile phones. You know the ones, the iPhone and Android type smartphones.

He's now looking for venture capital for a string of applications that he says will revolutionize the way we use technology. So if you are an angel investor, a forward looking individual with money to invest, a rich grandma, or in fact anyone with cash burning a hole in your pocket, we recommend you contact Zach.

His first app has the intriguing working title of "The Internet".

The Internet

As the working title suggests, this app will be big. Zach realized sometime ago that the intenet was becoming pretty important, well around 2010, when he found out that he could watch Lady Gaga streaming (or whatever) on YouTube. Since then, Zach has been working hard on plans for a new version of the internet specifically for smartphones.

One of the problems with the internet, he realized was that the user had to be connected. When you lose the connection, you lose the internet with all its wonderful possibilities, which of course was a fatal flaw, one that Sir Tim Berners-Lee didn't forsee when he first scribbled the design for the internet on the inside of Angelina Jolie's left thigh with her Revlon Super Lustrous pink pencil lipstick.

By taking the internet and turning it into an "app", a smartphone could use the internet wherever the user happens to be, in a car, in Walmart, in Europe, on a plane, in a submarine, on the moon wherever. No need for Verizon, wifi or 3G, just load up the app, and the internet is all there, in the app.

It's a big project, but Zach has it well in hand. Some bleeding edge techniques are needed to compress the internet into the 8Gb memory available on the iPhone for example. The other problem is the small screens on some devices. Zach says it's likely that on screens less than 800 pixels wide, bits of the internet will fall off the edge.

He needs working capital to employ an estimated 256,000 data inputters (or whatever you call them nowadays). He reckons that working round the clock, 256,000 highly trained and motivated chaps could input all the internet data into the app in three weeks. If they need time to sleep and bathroom breaks etc, then perhaps three and a half weeks.

The key to this will be using offshore labor where the prices are cheaper. Pete down the corner shop reckons that you can get workers in Guatemala for 4 cents a day, and less if you accept applications from chapesses and people under the age of seven. Zach would need to first arrange for the internet to be installed in Guatemala to take advantage of the labor market there, but anything is possible with Fedex and a carton of thumb drives.

Zach had a chat with Steve Jobs from Apple who he says showed some interest in the app. Steve said the app would be welcome in the App Store as long as it didn't include any of that nasty Flash stuff, particularly Facebook games etc, which Steve says are the spawn of Satan reincarnated into a phantom Charlie Sheenesque vampire type warlock from the past, dated but not quite dead.

The other thing Steve mentioned was, no porn, as it's a family business. "We called the firm 'Apple' because apples are healthy for the whole family", he related to Zach one wintery afternoon over tea with crumpets. Even though the "family" forced Zach to sign a contract at gunpoint, Zach was happy to abide by this rule, as he was doubtfull that he could compress all the internet porn into 8Gb. He reckons there is probably at least 6Gb of porn on the internet which wouldn't leave the app with much available space for other important internet pages, such as Ebay, Google and HotOrNot.

The next step, Zach says is to download Google, Yahoo, DogPile, Bling and all the other search engines into the app. He doesn't envisage too many difficulties with this as he says a lot of it is just duplicated data. Once the search engines are downloaded, they won't be needed any more, which could obviously affect the value of their stock on the international market. Zach says he's also creating a stock trading app which will be tightly integrated into his disconnected Internet app, so you can watch their share price plumet as his app relegates the old-school internet that you had to be connected to, to the world of steam-engines, dinosaurs and MySpace.

Being "disconnected" could be the next "big thing" reckons Zach. Pete says he had too much Xanax as a baby which makes him already leading the way on the new "disconnected" age. Only time will tell.

To download some great apps, visit Jatzan