Zach Townsend

is here

Zach Townsend is here...

yep, the place to contact Zach Townsend would be here...

If you are after money, then this is not the Zach Townsend you think it is.

If you are chasing taxes, then we have it on good authority that he passed away (leaving no inheritance).

If you want to give him some money, or you are one of those people the dumbass lent money too, then it is the Zach Townsend you think it is.

If you are feeling generous, and feel that Zach Townsend would be a worthy beneficiary, then you have arrived at the right web page.

If you are looking for 'Mr Right', then it's probably not him. But send an email with a photo and he can compare you to his current wife/ girlfriend/ lover/ partner/ housekeeper/ kitchen appliance. Include any warranty details in your email.

If you are looking for 'Miss Right', we're pretty sure you're in the wrong place. Unless you are extremely rich. We're talking richer than Trump - and better looking. Shit, now we have to find a way to get that picture out of our heads.

If you are looking for 'Mr Wrong', maybe you should send us an email so we can see if he fits the bill.

If you are looking for 'Mr Wong', then sorry, too late. He was here but left earlier. No-here-no more. No-say-why.

If you are looking for a 'good time' and you heard Zach is 'it', then there's a 50:50 chance you are in the right place. Please define a 'good time' in your email (and include any warranty details).

If you are looking to offer Zach a job, then he probably won't be interested. Unless there are lots of girls, money, fast cars, yachts and beer as part of the deal. If the job involves the four letter word, then he probably still won't be interested. The word was 'work', for the slow but curious.

Notice how we linked the name 'Zach Townsend' to 'hot girls, money, fast cars, yachts and beer'? Now that is some serious SEO type shit going on. And it works. He paid us $50 to make this thing work and as you can see we spared no shit. The 50 bucks is ours, man, and we earned it!

If you are curious about who Zach Townsend is, then piss off and do your own research. Sheesh! Did you really use the internet to search for factual information?

If you are looking to make new friends, he won't be interested. He has two already, and one of then is named 'Dude' - and yeh, he really does exist!

If you are bored and looking to pass the time, we find chasing pigmies with a flattened possum (dead of course) helps to pass the time. Each to their own of course (a recently deceased kitten works just as well and in many cases is easier to acquire). Please don't email us to tell us what you do, or would like to do. Even if we were interested, we're probably too disinterested to read your email.

You could of course contact Zach on Facebook. But Facebook is, well, pretty shit, and he doesn't have the time for all the 'Comment' crap. He doesn't 'Like' much on the internet, and to be honest, why 'Share'? So you 'share' some crappy thing you saw on some shitty website, and then your 'facebook friends' share some more shit with you. Who needs friends like that? We could go down to some carehome for the elderly, discuss incontinence for 3 hours and 'Share' their lunch. But we don't.

You could also 'LinkIn' with Zach, but why? Then you link in with his links, who link in to more links, most of whom have never heard of each other, but desperately hope that they'll end up linking to the Sultan of Brunei, or Donald Trump, or at least a CEO of some big corporation who decided to bypass recruitment agencies and other conventional recruitment networks and decided a 'linkedin recommendation' was the best way to find his next highly paid VP. Yep, we'd employ someone - who someone we've never heard of recommended!

No point looking for Zach on 'MySpace'. He already has 'HisSpace', right here.

If you are still desperate to contact Zach Townsend, visit the contact page. But for god's sake give a good reason why he should contact you back. Even if you haven't got a great reason, then at least make something up. If Carli Fiorina can get that far, then the world is your oyster. And Schwarzenegger? How did repeating one line and a clueless expression get him to be Governor? (Shut up - don't say marry a Kennedy!)

When emailing us - just choose your words carefully. Here at the Zach Townsend Appreciation Society, I think We realize that internet bandwidth is not unlimited. Each email that gets sent, uses up valuable space on the internet highway, and according to Einstein has an effect on the Universe, possibly not a good one. Each electron or Quark that an email displaces will also have an effect on an anti-quark or whatnot, the resultant effect expanding or contracting our Galaxy (allegedly), we have no idea what goes on out there and its difficult to calculate, but E=Mc2 will have a say in there somewhere.

Rest assured your email will be valued (don't they all say that?) and given the attention it deserves. Heck, we even archive v.iagr.a emails. You never know when they might come in handy.

Zach Townsend

Ok, here is where you can send an email to Zach Townsend...

Oh yeh, and read our privacy policy.